Pirates vs. Ninjas: Part 2

Mission:
Which faction will do the best job mowing the grass: Pirates or Ninjas? The job will be judged on quality and speed. The clock starts at sunrise.

How the Pirates Mow the Grass:

Sunrise: No activity
10:00am: A dozen pirates convene in the front lawn, argue for five minutes and then scatter accross the neighborhood. Five minutes later they return with a dozen nearby residents. Each of these neighbors has their own lawn mower and a few minor cuts and bruises. Due to threats of bodily harm, the neighbors begin to furiously mow the grass. The pirates drive them to mow as fast as they can. They miss a spot or two but another pirate/mower team spots it and cleans it up. The cat-o-nine-tails is employed when mistakes occur, and few make a second mistake. The positioning of the mowers across the lawn isn't perfectly dispersed but it's close. The pace is frantic.
10:16am: Every blade of grass has been cut. The lawn is done.


How the Ninjas Mow the Grass:

Sunrise: No activity
10:00am: No activity
12:00pm: No activity
6:00pm: No activity
Nightfall...
At this point it was agreed upon that the Ninjas had elected not to participate in this competition, and we eventually went to bed.
...
However...despite never hearing a lawnmower, or even hearing the neighbor's dog bark, we found the lawn to be cut and groomed the next morning.


Analysis:
The pirates were clearly very fast. Their lines were not real straight and there were some places where the grass was uneven due to differing blade heights, but it didn't look horrible.

To properly analyze the Ninja's work, a botanical forensics specialist was brought in, and he estimated that the grass was systematically cut between 8:00am and 7:30pm. The disturbing thing is that we were alert and expecting to see the Ninjas begin their work. We simply overlooked the fact that the lawn was gradually being completed throughout the day. The Ninjas methods are a complete mystery. They did a very good job and deserve style points, but speed was a part of this contest, and the Ninjas took at least 9 hours and 14 minutes longer to get the job done. The higher level of quality was not enough to make up for the disparity in speed. Pirates win!

Pirates Vs. Ninjas: Part 1

Internet phenomena are a lot of fun. It all starts with a little humor, and before long it's like pink eye in an elementary school - it's in everyone's face. Dancing Baby, All your Base, Hamsterdance, Star Wars Kid, Homestar Runner, Chuck Norris Facts, and Numa Numa were some of my favorites, but the one I want to discuss is Pirates vs. Ninjas (PvN). For those who are not familiar with it, PvN is a debate on which faction is "better": pirates or ninjas. Arguments are based on examples from popular fiction and also real world facts. Arguments can vary from who would win in a fight, to who could steal the Crown Jewels, to who could eat a bowl of cereal the best.

Pirates are motivated by greed. They prefer brutal aggression to careful planning. They intimidate and try to overwhelm enemies with numbers or devastating firepower. Pirates can take some licks and remain in the fight. Some are fantastic swordsmen and all are great sailors. Some use single-shot firearms. Pirates become distracted by liquor, booty, liquor, women, liquor, parrots, and liquor, but they also can be motivated by those same things.

Ninjas are sneaky and efficient. They prefer stealthy execution to direct confrontation. They are focused on their task and only death will prevent the mission's completion. Ninjas are masters of various weapons including katanna, throwing stars, nunchuks, throwing knives, and just about any other light melee weapon.

So we'll create some mission and see who does it better. Which faction can do a better job of kidnapping the princess from a castle guarded by 30 men armed with spears and shields and a token castle guard inside? Getting the job done sooner is the top priority and keeping collateral damage down is the secondary priority.

Pirates Mission Execution:

It will be easy to hire lots of pirates because you can allow them to keep any plunder they find in the castle. So we'll easily get about 30 pirates. The leaders of the pirates will see the guarded gate and organize the simple assault. The signal to attack is the firing of a small cannon loaded with grapeshot into the center of the defenders. Next comes the wild charge of the even wilder looking attackers with single-shot pistols blasting, cutlasses waving, and the obligatory yelling and growling. Half the defenders will flee. The other half will be quickly overwhelmed. The pirates will raise the portcullis, and stream all over the castle. Shouts of resistance will draw the scattered pirates to the remaining defenders along with the princess. The pirates will take their time exiting as they collect all the items that they can carry home, and raise the Jolly Roger above the tallest spire; luckily they also remembered the princess.

Ninja Mission Execution:

The Ninjas are expensive. You get 4 to agree to take the job. They carefully scout the guarded gate and decide to wait until nightfall. The Ninjas then scale the wall and enter the castle through a window. They coerce a servant into telling them where the princess is. A few sharp objects zip through the air and the token guard is silently subdued. The princess is tied up and the Ninjas depart into the shadows soundlessly eliminating a couple unfortunate guards who wandered too close.

Analysis:

The Pirates were able to retrieve the princess quicker than the Ninjas because they did not wait for nightfall, but they also made a big mess, killing around 60 people (including some of themselves) while the Ninjas only killed about 8. So even though speed was the top priority, the pirates had such a ridiculous amount of collateral damage that the Ninjas' extra 10 hours are easier to stomach. It was a close contest but I give this round to the Ninjas.