Pirates Vs. Ninjas: Part 1

Internet phenomena are a lot of fun. It all starts with a little humor, and before long it's like pink eye in an elementary school - it's in everyone's face. Dancing Baby, All your Base, Hamsterdance, Star Wars Kid, Homestar Runner, Chuck Norris Facts, and Numa Numa were some of my favorites, but the one I want to discuss is Pirates vs. Ninjas (PvN). For those who are not familiar with it, PvN is a debate on which faction is "better": pirates or ninjas. Arguments are based on examples from popular fiction and also real world facts. Arguments can vary from who would win in a fight, to who could steal the Crown Jewels, to who could eat a bowl of cereal the best.

Pirates are motivated by greed. They prefer brutal aggression to careful planning. They intimidate and try to overwhelm enemies with numbers or devastating firepower. Pirates can take some licks and remain in the fight. Some are fantastic swordsmen and all are great sailors. Some use single-shot firearms. Pirates become distracted by liquor, booty, liquor, women, liquor, parrots, and liquor, but they also can be motivated by those same things.

Ninjas are sneaky and efficient. They prefer stealthy execution to direct confrontation. They are focused on their task and only death will prevent the mission's completion. Ninjas are masters of various weapons including katanna, throwing stars, nunchuks, throwing knives, and just about any other light melee weapon.

So we'll create some mission and see who does it better. Which faction can do a better job of kidnapping the princess from a castle guarded by 30 men armed with spears and shields and a token castle guard inside? Getting the job done sooner is the top priority and keeping collateral damage down is the secondary priority.

Pirates Mission Execution:

It will be easy to hire lots of pirates because you can allow them to keep any plunder they find in the castle. So we'll easily get about 30 pirates. The leaders of the pirates will see the guarded gate and organize the simple assault. The signal to attack is the firing of a small cannon loaded with grapeshot into the center of the defenders. Next comes the wild charge of the even wilder looking attackers with single-shot pistols blasting, cutlasses waving, and the obligatory yelling and growling. Half the defenders will flee. The other half will be quickly overwhelmed. The pirates will raise the portcullis, and stream all over the castle. Shouts of resistance will draw the scattered pirates to the remaining defenders along with the princess. The pirates will take their time exiting as they collect all the items that they can carry home, and raise the Jolly Roger above the tallest spire; luckily they also remembered the princess.

Ninja Mission Execution:

The Ninjas are expensive. You get 4 to agree to take the job. They carefully scout the guarded gate and decide to wait until nightfall. The Ninjas then scale the wall and enter the castle through a window. They coerce a servant into telling them where the princess is. A few sharp objects zip through the air and the token guard is silently subdued. The princess is tied up and the Ninjas depart into the shadows soundlessly eliminating a couple unfortunate guards who wandered too close.

Analysis:

The Pirates were able to retrieve the princess quicker than the Ninjas because they did not wait for nightfall, but they also made a big mess, killing around 60 people (including some of themselves) while the Ninjas only killed about 8. So even though speed was the top priority, the pirates had such a ridiculous amount of collateral damage that the Ninjas' extra 10 hours are easier to stomach. It was a close contest but I give this round to the Ninjas.

The Post Office and its Dark Practices

If the Post Office raises the price of stamps from 39 to 41 cents, and each American owns 3 leftover stamps; meaning they have to buy 3 two cent stamps, the Post Office gains $18 million. Is it fair that the older stamp is no longer sufficient to deliver the mail? Some would argue that the stamp itself is not a guarantee of delivery but rather a certificate for 39 cents worth of “post office goodness”, and if the expense to deliver goes up, your stamp’s value is no longer sufficient. And if they are real clever they explain that the old 39 cent stamp is just like a $50 WalMart gift card where the wanted item increased in price from $45 to $55, and now the card (just like the stamp) is no longer adequate. Allow me to point out the folly in these arguments…

If I walk up to the P.O. counter and hand them my mail they will charge me 41 cents and mail it. If I walk up to the counter and ask for one stamp they will charge me 41 cents and do nothing…until later. They get their sufficient, real-time delivery payment either way. Furthermore, it is a likelihood that the funds the P.O. receives from stamps that haven’t been used yet are modestly invested until they are needed to compensate delivery expenses (if not shame on them). We’ll assume that under normal circumstances Americans maintain possession of 8 stamps for a month. If the P.O. receives a 0.5% return for 39 cent stamps held for that month, they gain about $4.7 million. That’s $56.4 million a year. I believe this covers the additional expense of the mailman having to put some mail back into his bag when he already had his paws in my mailbox anyway.

Stamps have one function. You can’t use your stamp to buy other post office stuff such as document envelopes and packaging tape. Likewise you can’t get the delivery service any other way than by buying a stamp. (Yes, there are other ways but normal people aren’t going to use them.) So in the case of the $50 WalMart card, if you really want a $45 dollar item, you simply buy the item instead of a gift card. (Painfully simple, I know.) To get your mail delivered is there really any other acceptable option outside of stamps?

Some years ago, when the postage rate was 34 cents, I found a book of really old 17 cent stamps. (I often wondered what the mailman thought when he saw two 17 cent stamps on an envelope.) The point is that just one of those stamps still should have been adequate. What did they do with the money for the original purchase? How much interest do they get off of instances like that? They really think we all owe them another 2 cents per stamp? I cry foul!

It is said that dogs have a sixth sense. Perhaps they sense the evil of the post office and because of this they aim their wrath at the mail carriers.