What a Wonderful World

Has the world always been as screwed up as it is now, or is it progressively getting worse? Maybe it really isn’t all that bad and we just have a few bad apples doing what bad apples do. Let’s take a look…

A large percentage of the world is covered in water. I’d say the water is fine for the most part. There’s some skuzzy rivers and the Exxon Valdez poo-pooed in the soup a bit, but other than that I’m happy with it. Then there are all the trees… There are a couple trees that are a hassle because I have to mow around them, but the others stay out of my way, so they’re alright. With the exception of the Denver Broncos, mountains are good. Where else can you have snowball fights in June? And they make great family-friendly calendar photos.

Deserts are perhaps the best, and here’s why; they are miserable places that I have no reason to go to…and as such they make great storage places for nasty things I want to avoid, such as rattlesnakes, cacti, scorpions, illegal aliens, crashed space aliens with ray guns (or whatever they’re hiding in Roswell), temperatures over 100 degrees, buried nuclear waste, Al Quaeda, mirages, roadside bombs, and camel turds. So most of the stuff I consider bad is negated by being sequestered in deserts. Deserts are great!

Critters are a mixed bag. There are cool ones such as chipmunks, eagles, and tigers. Then there are tasty ones such as cows, pigs, and chickens. But sadly there are annoying ones such as insects, rabid dogs, and those birds that feel they need to jazz up my paint job. But then a can of OFF, cyanide dog food, and a two-car garage may help with those problems.

People are a lot like critters. There are cool ones, tasty ones (if you’re a Tyrannosaurus Rex), and annoying ones. The annoying ones are almost always lawyers or people acting like lawyers. They’re selfish and they complicate things for the rest of us. Unfortunately OFF isn’t strong enough, it’s doubtful they’d nibble the dog food, and they’ll make it so you can’t afford your garage, so we need another way to deal with them…

Scorpions behave themselves. Imagine the problems they would cause if they decided to sneak into your car or bed sheets...but they don’t. They stay in the desert where they belong. Just imagine if the lawyers, lawyers who have become politicians, and criminals who didn’t go to law school but act like lawyers, would just go live in the desert where they belong. The world isn’t that bad. More people just need to move to the desert…pigeons and mosquitoes can go too.

The NFL is Cool.

Most football fans I know are more interested in college football than pro football. I personally get more geared up for the pros. Here's why...

1. Professional Football is the highest level of play. It literally is a College All-Star Game every single game. The best of the best competing on the same field. The worst player on an NFL team may have been the best player on his college team.

2. Playoffs. What a crazy idea. Perhaps my stance would change if they would have a Div-I-A Playoff. It's been obvious they should for years, but there has been no movement. I wonder if the government is controlling it...

3. In the NFL, if you have a bad day in the regular season you're not out. For a collegiate player, if you lost a regular season game, you just lost your chance to be a National Champion. You then can try and have a good year and play Navy or Boston College in the Meineke Car Care Bowl at Bank of America Stadium.

4. More Player Continuity. NFL players get shopped around but many players do stay put for long periods of time and become fan favorites. Examples: Peyton Manning has been a Colt 10 years. Isaac Bruce has been a Ram 14 yeras. Michael Strahan has been a Giant 15 years. Brett Favre has been a Packer 16 years.

5. Fantasy Football. Just one more way to find interest in NFL games. All of a sudden, the 49ers-Cardinals game matters.

6. In any given decade, every NFL team "should" have a shot at winning a championship. Even the Browns made the Playoffs once in the last decade (2002). At least half the college teams don't have a prayer in a given decade (or century in many cases). So if you're an Illinois fan, at least you have the Bears.


Here are some counter arguments, and my reaction to them:

* "College players are more motivated. They are focused on winning. Not money."
- NFL players became NFL players because they are competitors. They don't like to lose. They are football players who take a lot of pride in how they perform. That's why there is so much trash talking amongst players. There are no easy weeks in the NFL like there is in college. Players need to be ready to compete every game, every play. Also, if they perform well they can earn more money. What do you think the college player's end goal is anyway? A degree in Criminal Justice? Do they care more about winning than money? You'll notice the ones who can leave before they graduate. College players are motivated all right. Motivated to get to the NFL.

* "Professional sports are rigged."
- Right. The rigger must really, really, really, really, really hate Cleveland. Think of the mess this would cause in Vegas. Dead bodies everywhere.

* "We can take more pride in college teams because they include mostly boys from our home state."
- In that case your local high school football team should be tops. Right?

Here's a cool idea relating to that last point. Wouldn't it be cool if the 32 NFL cities could instead be divided up into 20ish geographic regions. The rule would be that you could only play for a team if you either were born in or have lived in that team's region for 5 years. Imagine, the best of the best from Ohio versus Texas. Obviously some states like Montana, Idaho, and the Dakota's would have to join forces, and states with larger populations may need to be split up. The fan interest would be huge! It actually would be similar to international soccer, where Spaniards get very emotional behind the team representing their country in a game against Austria.

Appended 1/11/08: After hearing all the banter about how the SEC is vastly and undeniably superior to the Big Ten, I may change my tune on this one. The reason it's so bothersome is that rankings, in large part, are based on perceptions, and if a team is perceived as weaker they are ranked lower and do not get to play for the national title. This then creates a broader competition that extends beyond what your favorite team can do alone. Your team needs the help of the other teams in their conference. If the conference as a whole appears weak, then the rankings for the teams in that conference will reflect that. Movement in these perceptions most notably occurs in the bowl games where all teams play non-conference opponents.

Pirates Vs. Ninjas: Part 1

Internet phenomena are a lot of fun. It all starts with a little humor, and before long it's like pink eye in an elementary school - it's in everyone's face. Dancing Baby, All your Base, Hamsterdance, Star Wars Kid, Homestar Runner, Chuck Norris Facts, and Numa Numa were some of my favorites, but the one I want to discuss is Pirates vs. Ninjas (PvN). For those who are not familiar with it, PvN is a debate on which faction is "better": pirates or ninjas. Arguments are based on examples from popular fiction and also real world facts. Arguments can vary from who would win in a fight, to who could steal the Crown Jewels, to who could eat a bowl of cereal the best.

Pirates are motivated by greed. They prefer brutal aggression to careful planning. They intimidate and try to overwhelm enemies with numbers or devastating firepower. Pirates can take some licks and remain in the fight. Some are fantastic swordsmen and all are great sailors. Some use single-shot firearms. Pirates become distracted by liquor, booty, liquor, women, liquor, parrots, and liquor, but they also can be motivated by those same things.

Ninjas are sneaky and efficient. They prefer stealthy execution to direct confrontation. They are focused on their task and only death will prevent the mission's completion. Ninjas are masters of various weapons including katanna, throwing stars, nunchuks, throwing knives, and just about any other light melee weapon.

So we'll create some mission and see who does it better. Which faction can do a better job of kidnapping the princess from a castle guarded by 30 men armed with spears and shields and a token castle guard inside? Getting the job done sooner is the top priority and keeping collateral damage down is the secondary priority.

Pirates Mission Execution:

It will be easy to hire lots of pirates because you can allow them to keep any plunder they find in the castle. So we'll easily get about 30 pirates. The leaders of the pirates will see the guarded gate and organize the simple assault. The signal to attack is the firing of a small cannon loaded with grapeshot into the center of the defenders. Next comes the wild charge of the even wilder looking attackers with single-shot pistols blasting, cutlasses waving, and the obligatory yelling and growling. Half the defenders will flee. The other half will be quickly overwhelmed. The pirates will raise the portcullis, and stream all over the castle. Shouts of resistance will draw the scattered pirates to the remaining defenders along with the princess. The pirates will take their time exiting as they collect all the items that they can carry home, and raise the Jolly Roger above the tallest spire; luckily they also remembered the princess.

Ninja Mission Execution:

The Ninjas are expensive. You get 4 to agree to take the job. They carefully scout the guarded gate and decide to wait until nightfall. The Ninjas then scale the wall and enter the castle through a window. They coerce a servant into telling them where the princess is. A few sharp objects zip through the air and the token guard is silently subdued. The princess is tied up and the Ninjas depart into the shadows soundlessly eliminating a couple unfortunate guards who wandered too close.

Analysis:

The Pirates were able to retrieve the princess quicker than the Ninjas because they did not wait for nightfall, but they also made a big mess, killing around 60 people (including some of themselves) while the Ninjas only killed about 8. So even though speed was the top priority, the pirates had such a ridiculous amount of collateral damage that the Ninjas' extra 10 hours are easier to stomach. It was a close contest but I give this round to the Ninjas.

The Post Office and its Dark Practices

If the Post Office raises the price of stamps from 39 to 41 cents, and each American owns 3 leftover stamps; meaning they have to buy 3 two cent stamps, the Post Office gains $18 million. Is it fair that the older stamp is no longer sufficient to deliver the mail? Some would argue that the stamp itself is not a guarantee of delivery but rather a certificate for 39 cents worth of “post office goodness”, and if the expense to deliver goes up, your stamp’s value is no longer sufficient. And if they are real clever they explain that the old 39 cent stamp is just like a $50 WalMart gift card where the wanted item increased in price from $45 to $55, and now the card (just like the stamp) is no longer adequate. Allow me to point out the folly in these arguments…

If I walk up to the P.O. counter and hand them my mail they will charge me 41 cents and mail it. If I walk up to the counter and ask for one stamp they will charge me 41 cents and do nothing…until later. They get their sufficient, real-time delivery payment either way. Furthermore, it is a likelihood that the funds the P.O. receives from stamps that haven’t been used yet are modestly invested until they are needed to compensate delivery expenses (if not shame on them). We’ll assume that under normal circumstances Americans maintain possession of 8 stamps for a month. If the P.O. receives a 0.5% return for 39 cent stamps held for that month, they gain about $4.7 million. That’s $56.4 million a year. I believe this covers the additional expense of the mailman having to put some mail back into his bag when he already had his paws in my mailbox anyway.

Stamps have one function. You can’t use your stamp to buy other post office stuff such as document envelopes and packaging tape. Likewise you can’t get the delivery service any other way than by buying a stamp. (Yes, there are other ways but normal people aren’t going to use them.) So in the case of the $50 WalMart card, if you really want a $45 dollar item, you simply buy the item instead of a gift card. (Painfully simple, I know.) To get your mail delivered is there really any other acceptable option outside of stamps?

Some years ago, when the postage rate was 34 cents, I found a book of really old 17 cent stamps. (I often wondered what the mailman thought when he saw two 17 cent stamps on an envelope.) The point is that just one of those stamps still should have been adequate. What did they do with the money for the original purchase? How much interest do they get off of instances like that? They really think we all owe them another 2 cents per stamp? I cry foul!

It is said that dogs have a sixth sense. Perhaps they sense the evil of the post office and because of this they aim their wrath at the mail carriers.