So I decided to take action. I called my doctor. I told the the receptionist:"I have a plantar wart on my left foot. It hurts when I walk. Can you guys freeze it off, cut it off, burn it off, just get it off somehow?"
She said, "Yeah, we can do that."
"Great! Schedule me an appointment!"
"The soonest we can see you is in five weeks. Is that ok?"
"No."
"Well there's nothing we can do."
"Really?"
"Really."
"..." {click}
Frustrated but not despairing I asked a coworker if there was a local family practice where he thought I could get in within a week. He suggested calling the "East Holmes Family Practice". So I did. The receptionist picked up, asked me what she could do...
"I have a plantar wart on my left foot. It hurts when I walk. Can you guys freeze it off, cut it off, burn it off, just get it off somehow?"
She said, "Oh sure. We can help you with that!"
"Great! When's the soonest I can get an appointment."
"Are you a paitent here?"
"No."
"Well, we're not accepting new patients. Sorry."
"..."
"Again, sorry about that. Goodbye now..."
"WAIT! My doctor can't see me until after the second coming. You don't accept new patients. What do you suggest I do?"
"Umm, you could call the Pomerene Express."
"...Why the heck would I call a train?"
"No, Pomerene Express is a stat care facility."
"Oh. Ok I'll call them." {click}
At this point my spirits were up because - hey, a stat care will see anybody, right? So I called the train. The receptionist picked up and I said...
"I have a plantar wart on my left foot. It hurts when I walk. Can you guys freeze it off, cut it off, burn it off, just get it off somehow?"
"Uh, let me check with the nurse practioner."
I was put on hold, and half listened to soothing jazz music.
The nurse practioner picked up the phone and asked, "Hi. Where is this wart?"
"It's on the ball of my left foot. A painful contact point. I've been trying to treat it with Dr. Scholl's Plantar Wart Removers, but it's not going too well."
"Has it been getting bigger?"
"No."
"Ok. I used to work for a pediatrist and we got these a lot. What you need to do is put a piece of duct tape on it, and that should clear it up."
"..."
"Hello?"
"..."
"Still there?"
"Ok. So what you're saying is that I need to take my scientifically researched Dr. Scholl's things and toss them in garbage, and instead put a piece of duct tape on my foot?"
"Yep."
"Was the pediatrist you worked for named Dr. MacGyver?"
"Are you trying to be funny?"
"Sorry. Ok. Thanks. I'll give it a shot." {click}
Shortly after I got off the phone. I took off the Dr. Scholl's thing and tried to dig as much of the skin away as I could with a pair of nail clippers. I also googled plantar wart solutions, and the duct tape therapy actually had some good reviews. Who'd'a thunk it? When I got home I put a piece of duct tape on my foot.
Later, I will update this with a verdict on the treatment...
12.04.2008 It is later and the duct tape did not work. I ended up going to a podiatrist who put a potion on the war that caused my body to reject the skin on which it was applied. It formed a big painful blister and eventually I picked it off. The wart is now gone.
